A Balancing Act

I wonder about much. One hears complete opposites about things sometimes and this year I realized that I want absolutes. I want absolute truths. I've brought this up so much and the answer always is: Some things are absolute and others are not, of course with no detailed explanation of WHAT is relative and what is absolute. But perhaps I have my own list of "absolutes" but if my list of "absolute truth" and someone else's list of absolutes is different, doesn't that make it personal, relative truth?

Yeah. I'm great fun at parties. Invite me over sometime. ;-)

The other week I went running/wheezing/jogging with my friend Kris. She's good. I'm not, but she's encouraging and kind to me. We're on the track and realize that a woman had taken off her shirt and was just wearing her bra. It wasn't a sports bra. It wasn't a pretty bra. And she was a pretty large lady.

I was kinda put off by it. (I have already admitted that I'm judgmental in this blog of mine) I'd NEVER do something like that! (but that's a whole different post) I couldn't believe that she'd be on a public track in a park, where jr. high kids were running, as the park shared space with the school, be overweight and only in a regular, ugly bra? No no no! No matter what I looked like I'd never take off my shirt and run around in a bra. I will make an exception for sports bras, but you still won't see ME in one of them.

Later, as I was in conversation it was pointed out to me that who cares? It's a bra. Big deal. I protested that it did not look pretty; she did not look pretty in only her bra. (yes, me.... the "pretty" police.... I know; I make NO SENSE!) To that it was pointed out to me that even more so; it was probably hard for her to get up and go for a walk or run. She'd probably rather be at home, not out exercising yet here she was. She should be applauded and encouraged, not judged or chastised for taking off her shirt because she was hot. (and this was pointed out to me by a guy!)

Ouch. What a drastically different perspective!

Of course, I still have questions. Questions on modesty and stumbling blocks, questions on what is our role in that? The whole "we are free by grace" to do whatever we want and yet.... is that really true? Are we still held accountable? Is there any stipulation or caveat to our freedom? (I do have an opinion on this and some verses to quote)

The sobering part for me is if this freedom or is this law that Im upholding so important that Christ had to die on a cross for it? To purchase or release, am I truly fighting the right battles? Did He purchase my salvation so I could enjoy freedom and eat and drink or wear whatever I want? Or the law side: Am I going to fight over this? is it worth fighting over something like keeping the Sabbath holy while the "grace" camp insists we're not under the law and to enjoy the party and dance in this freedom?

Was this why Christ died? I grew up thinking that he died because he loved me and to atone for my sins. (a "me" thing) But Lately I've been realizing that though it's true.... He did die for me out of love, He really endured the cross to glorify the Father.

So the real question in the grace vs. law debate: Is this giving glory to Him or just creating division?

Soli Deo gloria!

Burst Forth

I don't know about you but oftentimes I read and fill my mind with too much. I have a very good memory and can remember much but there are times when I read too many books in one week that I forget where I read or heard that from. This week I've read 4 books, listened to 2 podcast sermons of a preacher that is out of state, read numerous blogs and did my bible study homework. The odd part? Many/most of these things interconnect; it's almost eerie and makes for a very confused Victoria. I mean, which book, podcast, blog, etc. did I hear that in? Read that in? I can close my eyes and mentally see where the words are on the page but I can't recall which cover; which book or which blog!

Trust me, it's very frustrating. So, it's after 1am. I have bad allergies so I took a shower and it seems all these thoughts pop into my head when I take a shower. And as I struggled with making sense of my day and all the stuff I've been learning a thought came into my head: If you are doing the work it'll show. And I struggled to figure out where that came from? A book? Which Book? A blog? A podcast? A song?

It was reality tv. I hate to admit that I watch nearly any TV but as I play on my computer I like to watch some TV. Tonight it was So You Think You Can Dance. (actually, lots of social issues come up on that show and it'd be fun to discuss them) But what stuck in my mind was a young hip hop style dancer. (mind you, I wasn't paying 100% attention) From what I gathered he's tried out before but did not make it as far as he'd hope and vowed to get some "real" training in more of the classic disciplines of dance: Contemporary, ballet, and all that jazz. (pun intended) His audition was good and entertaining but the judges wanted more from him. One asked if he'd been studying the classic disciplines of other dance styles like he was supposed to. He said yes and the judge gave him a bad time about it; Because if he had spent time in those disciplines, it would show in his performance and he couldn't see it.

Likewise we are called to show forth evidence of our faith. This can seen so often in Scripture. Johnn 15:8 says By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. We are told that if we love God we will love others. and that if our faith is real it will be evident in our works; our lives. We will be doers of the Word not hearers only.

So, I guess my challenge to myself is: Is God evident in my life? Does He shine through? Am I enveloped in the spiritual disciplines? Am i loving and am I a doer rather than just a hearer of the Word? If He is in me, how can my life not reflect it?

PS. Picture to come. It's late. Have to wait for good lighting to get a photo.

Sugar and Spice...

I've never been a typical girl. I never had a dance recital, did not play with dolls or barbies, I prefer technology over jewelry, David KNOWS never to buy me roses for Valentine's day, I never wore dresses every day like my own daughter insists on. Fashion (obviously!) has never interested me. I love having a daughter but I know absolutely nothing about doing her hair or even parting it straight. A friend of mine can do wonderful french braids and all kinds of neat things but I can't even do that on a doll's hair. Thus, my daughter's hair is always cut short.

I mean, I did things almost "girly". I played flute and piccolo, how girly of an instrument can one get? I even was the ingenue in The Importance of Being Earnest. I had a perm at least once and even went to 3 proms in High School. Possibly the most ultimate "girl" thing I've done (besides give birth, ha!) was being a cheerleader in college. But even there I was the most anti girl cheerleader that existed, not to mention seriously athletically impaired but I was top of the pyramid, solely on the basis of my size. (ah, to be a size 2 again!)

Some women can do everything. They're just amazing. Others excel at something that makes me say "I wish I could do that." I go to craft night and am in awe of the creativity and painstaking detail of some of the crafts, or the design savvy of some of the scrapbookers. Some women can cook or bake the most amazing meals or confections! I read others blogs like my friend Maxine and marvel at her patience, dedication and wisdom in cultivating the best in her kindergartener. Others I admire for a myriad of different traits; their ability to lead, or teach, their gentleness or dedication, their hospitality, encouragement, discernment, patience, I could go on and on.

In a previous "Bible study" I was in (Captivating by Stasi Eldredge) it extolled the virtues of being a woman. I think I already quoted in a different post that we are the "crown" of creation..... the universe would not be complete without me! (don't ask me what I think of that) But she asserted that every women longed for 3 things: To be romanced, play an irreplaceable role in a grand adventure, and to unveil beauty. In a way, I think it's cruel to generalize that "all" women want these things; I already felt a bit left out and this reaffirmed it. Some just chided I was in denial but I'm not sure that's true. Does every girl truly dream of being a princess? Around the same time my couples/marriage group was broken into groups to list what we thought was most important for men/women.

I just did not seem to identify with much of what we came up with. I half-seriously mentioned that what women really want is WiFi. (this is before I had my own iPhone) People laughed.

Really though, I don't identify with any of the "core longings" Stasi addresses in her Captivating "study". I hadn't even watched 25% of the movies listed and used to further her illustrations. (there were over 100 mentioned in the book I believe) I complained and the answer I got was "maybe I should watch them". NO!!!!! See the point is, I'm not a chick flick person. I'm odd. I'm strange. I don't fit in. I'm not saying Chick Flicks are bad; if you love them, that's great. That's actually my point: I don't belong. I don't buy a ton of shoes, don't change my outfit 3 times before going out, I don't spend more than 20 minutes on my hair and make-up EVER. (I know; what make-up? It's non existent too) I've never been to a spa and have only gotten a manicure once in my life and that was for my wedding.

I know that we're all different and that's a wonderful, beautiful thing, but is it beautiful? Do other women view this as wonderful? Or just odd? Because I usually just feel odd. There's supposed to be a bond of sisterhood, it's glorified in books and movies and I just don't get it. But books and movies aren't real life so perhaps I'm assuming that there's some semblance of utopia out there for all the "normal" women that I'm not privy to. But perhaps all the "normal" and "amazing" women also feel a bit left out, a bit isolated and something of a misfit as well.

So perhaps I have more in common than I realize?

Immersed In Questions

I came to Christ as a very young child in my Grandma's old baptist church. (prayed the prayer every week because it was so important to me that I have this best friend Jesus that loved me and was all powerful) One can say that a child's conversion isn't true but it meant something to me; I can recall praying in bed with the covers tight around me, scarcely breathing in fear or dread as I listened to my parents fight in the other room. The comfort I felt that I could pray to my best friend Jesus that could make everything better.

I decided to be baptized because it was the "next step" and I attended the class as a 7 year old and knew what I was doing. Knew what it meant, could answer all the questions. It's funny now because last week I was listening to some friends (perhaps a Catholic background?) and their child wanted to get baptized but the baptism was a week away so she wasn't allowed to; why? Because that wasn't enough time to get a party ready! Baptism is a big deal and everyone has a party after it. My brother and I did not get a party but we did go out to lunch with family. I wonder if others view this as important enough to have a party. Perhaps I have a wrong view of baptism, or just clueless parents. Still, my mom was proud. My brother and I were baptized (by immersion, of course!) in that little church on Mother's Day. My mom thought it was a perfect Mother's day.

I think it's interesting; we are exhorted to have the "faith of a child" but when children profess faith or wish to make big decisions we seem to deem they don't know what they are doing.

Of course, faith is a journey, not a one time decision or baptism so regardless of age, be it a child or adult, the more one spends with Jesus and matures the more their faith deepens, understanding expands and love for God grows. If one were to wait until they fully understood the magnitude of God's love, grace and what He desires for us, would we ever be baptized? Plus, I've always found it interesting that in the Bible people believed, repented and were baptized. No quiz. No class. No waiting until he knew exactly what that meant or I've already shared in a previous post my thoughts and questions of reading Acts 16. The jailer believed and was baptized... at once! (this confuses me, as I grew up thinking baptism was a public profession of faith.... and this, the jailer's (and his entire household) conversion and baptism was done seemingly at night, so who else was there to make it a public profession of faith?)

Okay; I know this is a tangent but it does perplex me that baptism today is different than it was in Biblical times. It is now a party or a quiz or a "seal" that you are saved when I never thought it was a condition of salvation.

Is it a condition of salvation?

I believe that baptism is "transferable" among denominations. I don't think that because I was baptized in a Baptist church I have to do it again..... and yet....it's true that I know more now and my relationship with God is quite different than it was when I was 7. I can't say my relationship is more "meaningful" now than when I was 7 or 10, as it's relative. In fact, if anything my faith was perhaps more vibrant then because my family was struggling with my brother's cancer and, just like when I was a child, praying and talking to God when my parents fought at night, I spent many, many nights and days pouring out my heart and all it's sorrows, joys, jealousies, and frustrations to Him. As I write this out, the skeptic part of me is melting away and I can see that I needed God. I don't know how this difficult time would have been without my Church community and Jesus that loved me unconditionally.

Is baptism more than a public profession of faith? Is it necessary to be a "true" Christian, or is it an act of obedience? Why is it that when someone comes to Christ today we don't encourage them to be baptized but wait until they "know" more or have "proven" themselves?Is the Holy Spirit in us present before we are baptized? Or is that a necessary component? (which doesn't seem to make sense)

I am a person that does question much. Though it seems I had much faith as a child and young adult, I have become quite a (believing) skeptic since. Perhaps it's cynicism. But I come to a place now where I want more than I have, question if what I ever had was valid, and if I'm missing some important piece that I need to be a "real" Christian.

So what do you think about baptism? Care to answer some of my questions? I know there's a lot! Today it's just a random thought day. Why do you think Baptism is so important in today's church and in our lives?

Crumbs....

I readily admit I'm a strange person and I have a unique train of thought. I feel the need to preface this post with this disclaimer! Basically, it's all connected it's just that it's hard to see the connection but really it's there. It just takes a while to get there.

Try to keep up... ;-)

This past Sunday my pastor's message in church was about 1. And he continually used the number 1 instead of "one". This actually bugs me and I'm dealing with it.... but I don't like seeing it stated as 1ness and 1 instead of one. My husband just laughs at me, because it doesn't bother him at all but he can see why it bothers me, as I read very quickly and supposedly speed readers don't read every letter; they basically just glance at the first few letters, put it in context and guess at the actual words. This makes sense I guess; so by putting 1 in a sentence really messes me up and slows me down! (not to mention I find it annoying!) Yes; it's quite trivial. I know this and that is why even though it truly does bother me, I see the humor in it as well.

So,1 annoys me and I've told at least four others of this little pet peeve of mine. They all think I'm silly and strange and both my husband and my friend Lisa have pointed out that my favorite band is U2.... which has a number and a letter in it's name. I insist THAT doesn't bother me and I have a pretty irrational excuse why it doesn't bother me but the main reason is because they are U2; they'll always be alright. (it's alright, it's alright, it's alright....) Besides, they have a song called "One" and they don't have the audacity to shorten it to "1". Nope. They wrote it out..... "One".... the way it ought to be!

So, then I began thinking of the song "One'..... and I read my pastor's blog post and I'd link it here but am unaware of the etiquette involved in linking things without notifying the person (though I did so to Maxine....;-) Oh, it's kinda fun!) So, my Pastor's blog brought up a call to common unity, and that we are the body of Christ; comprised of many different yet valuable parts buts still one. (1) This got me thinking about U2's song "One" and how we "carry each other" and my mind wandered to what true community really looks like and I thought of the early church which leads me to a passage in Acts 2:

"And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need . And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47 (ESV)

You may think that the U2 song I am going to write the lyrics to are from their song "One" but this passage just triggered a different song in my head, because of the words "signs and wonders"; the words to this song are beautiful and meaning haunting. I'm truly a strange person because I like things fully understood; no room for mystery and yet Bono is actually a poet; often not fully explaining his thoughts and yet it's beautiful. My friend thinks he's a bit too ambiguous but I think he's a master of words; Bono has the heart of a poet. Being a person of too many words I am in awe of those who can use a spare amount of perfectly chosen words to create atmosphere and understanding. It's truly art. It's beautiful, thought-provoking and meaningful to all who hear.

All this to say: Here's the lyrics.

Crumbs From Your Table

From the brightest star
Comes the blackest hole
You had so much to offer
Why did you offer your soul?
I was there for you baby
When you needed my help
Would you deny for others
What you demand for yourself?

Cool down mama, cool off
Cool down mama, cool off

You speak of signs and wonders
I need something other
I would believe if I was able
But I'm waiting on the crumbs from your table

You were pretty as a picture
It was all there to see
Then your face caught up with your psychology
With a mouth full of teeth
You ate all your friends
And you broke every heart thinking every heart mends

You speak of signs and wonders
But I need something other
I would believe if I was able
But I'm waiting on the crumbs from your table

Where you live should not decide
Whether you live or whether you die
Three to a bed
Sister Ann, she said
Dignity passes by

And you speak of signs and wonders
But I need something other
I would believe if I was able
I'm waiting on the crumbs from your table

- U2

So, what does every1 else think? Does the number 1 bother you in sentences? Do you ever 1der why any1 would choose to do this? And what do you think of U2's Crumbs song or even my bizarre train of thought? It's okay; I know I'm strange. What is your favorite U2 song?

A Sign?

I'm guilty by association. It wasn't MY Idea to make the signs but since I have 3 kids the duty fell to me. This morning I went and bought poster board, yardsticks, tape and pens. I'm sure it looked like I was all set to picket but that is not my intention.

It's a long story but there are a few people that are a part of the church I go to that are doing a triathlon tomorrow and the signs are just words of encouragement. It wasn't my idea, especially the wording on one of the signs but my kids were happy to help create them and can't wait to cheer Daddy and friends on in the race. Of course, one of the signs reads "Looking Good, Almost There" and is more of a ribbing than encouragement. It's kinda an inside joke and it'd take too long to explain it on my blog but those who attend my church will "get it". Oh, and did I mention it's plastered with glued on gummy bears? Another inside joke. (my kids LOVED eating the leftover gummy bears)

This is just a fun race; David did not get to train as hard and consistently as he'd have liked to; somehow painting the house, work demands, family fun and just LIFE got in the way, but it'll be great. I have only been to one of his triathlons and it was...well, it was an experience! I missed every photo opportunity of him! I joke that he's just too fast and it's really, really difficult to be prepared ! Add to that 3 little distractions I have with me and taking photos is more difficult than it looks! (but somehow I managed to get photos of a few of our friends pretty easily) So this time I'm ready. He'll be competing in the yellow FCA-E jersey so perhaps that will help him stick out to me. I hope so! I want some good photos!

But photos or not, it'll be fun. And we're ready. I have snacks packed, signs waiting, extra clothes, warmer clothes (one can never tell what it'll be like at the coast) my iPod, camera and LOTS of memory, my laptop, and a good book. David's getting his stuff ready as we speak: wetsuit, bike, clothing, food, strange tri food, strange mixture stuff to drink, a bag with all the stuff he needs for "transition".... a bright towel to lay out his stuff, Gu packets, shoes, socks, bike shoes, and whatever else he seems to need that I don't remember.


This sport could possibly be worse than surfing. We have to be out of the house by 4:30 to get there on time since David did not yet pick up his race number and registration packet. I'm not looking forward to that part but I'm still excited. It's rather adventurous. Plus, I'm not the one racing.

I think I'll bring a few lawn chairs and sip iced tea with an umbrella in it as I watch from the sidelines and cheer them on. Way to Go! Looking Good! Almost There!

Be More Vile

As some of you may know, I've been reading a book about the history of Christianity and it's really quite interesting. One thing that amazes me is how God can (and does) use the imperfect, but that could easily be the subject of another post. What I want to address is to submit to be more vile.

"At four in the afternoon I submitted to be more vile, and proclaimed in the highways the glad tidings of salvation, speaking from a little eminence in a ground adjoining to the city, to about three thousand people. The scriptures on which I spoke was this (is it possible any one should be ignorant that it is fulfilled in every true minister of Christ?), "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He hath anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor. He hath sent Me to heal the broken-hearted; to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind; to set at liberty them that are bruised, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord."
John Wesley

I just find that it's interesting all the books that are written about doing things and reaching people outside of the church building. I agree that premise but I find it interesting in reading history how it's not a new idea and that many great men of God fully believed that the gospel is for the poor, enslaved, captive, bruised, and broken-hearted among us. In England at the time preaching was only done in a church on Sundays; not out in a field in the open air. By preaching outdoors John Wesley and George Whitefield could reach people that might not enter through the church's doors. Add to that George Whitefield's influence on the Great Awakening and all the tent revivals and outdoor preaching done at that time by him and others and one can say that God does great things when we, His people, are obedient. Inside and outside the institutions of the church.

I forgot to mention: Charles Wesley is John Wesley's brother. Does the name Charles Wesley sound familiar?

Too Late For Such Questions

In full disclosure I have had 3 diet cokes since 9pm and even a bit of sugar so of course I can't sleep and my mind is going in circles.

First of all, I make no sense. I am a skeptic of much, in deep thought about the things I hear and read in the Bible and yet there are many things that make little sense that I simply find myself believing. Like Jonah being swallowed by a big fish for three days. I believe that happened. I believe that Christ did many miracles and rose from the dead.

I remember a book that was very popular several years ago titled Don't Sweat The Small Stuff. Well, I suppose I do sweat the small stuff.

I was reading tonight in Acts 16. The familiar story of Paul and Silas in prison, praying and singing hymns to God and they were freed by a great earthquake. Wouldn't one immediately think that God had come to their rescue? That He wanted them to flee and be released? Yet Paul and the prisoners stayed so they could share the gospel with the prison guard, a prison guard who no doubt heard their prayers and hymns and fully believed that their God provided an earthquake for their release. He asks "What must I do to be saved?" The answer? "Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, you and your household." They spoke the Gospel to him and his family (somehow they managed to be there too) and the guard washed their wounds and was baptized at once, and all his family..... and he took them to his home, fed them and "rejoiced along with his entire household that he believed in God."

This entire account (and more that I haven't mentioned) completely baffles me. First: the slave girl that had the demon in her, she spoke the truth...... "These men are servants of the Most High God, who proclaim to you the way of salvation." Yet Paul was annoyed and cast out her demon...... a demon that spoke truth! I never think of demons that speak truth.

Of course, this is the reason that Paul and Silas were beaten and put into jail: Because they took away the owner of the slave girl's income since she was of value to them through her fortune-telling. It seems in the book of Acts to profit from something often works against the gospel message. I find this interesting because Christianity today has become an industry of great profit. And this causes me so many more questions.

Last fall I went through a study of James and it brings up testing of one's faith and to consider it joy when facing trials of many kinds. Likewise, 1 Peter brings up twice enduring sorrows while suffering unjustly and again admonishes us to rejoice in suffering and sharing in Christ's sufferings. I wonder if it wasn't just the earthquake and the fact that Paul and Silas remained in the jail when by all accounts they could and should of have left, but combined with the witness of their singing and praying to God that caused the jailer to believe in God. Words plus the action of obedience in the joy they expressed when one would expect only the absence of joy and then the fact that thy did not escape the jail.

Like I mentioned before, I am baffled by the fact that Paul and company remained in jail after it seemed God clearly was releasing them. Yet even though God was releasing them, Paul remained and was able to share the good news with the jailer. I don't understand this one bit. How often have I been in situations where I think that by the circumstances that God had clearly intervened and because of such I had a clear answer of what I was to do. I don't know. When I was in high school I performed in a a production my church put on about the story of Joseph. I believe it was called "Dreamer" Interestingly, I remember and can recite most of the songs and even dialogue in the musical. In it there's a song called He Opens A Window. Basically, the saying of when God closes a door he opens a window. To me, this earthquake was a sign of an open door, right? A miraculous sign that if it was me, I'd think that God wanted me to flee and yet Paul stays to share Christ with the jailer. How'd he know? Was there another motive for staying? I actually think there was: The Church in Philippi. I wonder if it was for the sake of the Gospel and the Church that he did not wish to run and be considered a lawbreaker and make the gospel message more difficult. I find this very interesting too. I have no answers.

Back to the jailer: He believed. He brought his whole household and they believed and were immediately baptized. I don't understand baptism. I was baptized when I was 9 or 10 and I know that I accepted Christ (when I was 4) and I knew what baptism meant and I was baptized in a baptist church so of course baptism is a large part of their belief system, but in the church I attended in Jr. High through college, the portable baptismal was filled maybe 4 times a year for baptisms. Since being married I have attended churches for the past 15 years and have yet to witness a single baptism in the 4 churches I attended and I wonder: Is baptism mandatory? (or is there just less conversions?) Is it a part of the salvation process or is it the public declaration and not necessary or as important as just a private decision to believe and follow God? Ironically, before I even was reminded of this passage while lying in bed tonight, I was at church with a group of scrapbooking ladies and the subject actually came up about baptism and how in the early church people believed and were baptized right away. So why is that something that we don't do anymore? I don't think I believe that baptism is required for salvation, but..... well, I'm confused. Anyone care to explain?

And the next musing: Again in Acts, the phrase: "you and your household" or "the entire household" believed in the Lord and was saved. Again, tonight we were talking about Catholicism and infant baptism and all that and I knew there are reasons and verses that certain denominations use for upholding that belief and I wonder if these verses are it? I don't know. Just a thought and for the record, I don't believe in infant baptism. I wonder if the phrase is used so heavily in Acts because it was a given; the gospel fully lived out, will be shared in a household by those closest to the person that has been transformed. I don't know exactly because then there's the thought that not all are chosen to be Christ followers. But that's another discussion.

The jailer heard Paul singing and praying even though Paul and Silas had been treated unfairly and beaten. He witnessed a miracle of God. Paul then stayed (and saved his life, spiritually and physically) to witness to him and his whole family believed and was baptized at once. The jailer washed their wounds, took them home and fed them... and rejoiced because he he believed in God. Paul was released privately in the morning and that wasn't enough: Paul demanded (again, for the sake of the gospel and Church?) to be publicly released and the leaders even apologized to them.

This Gospel is powerful and yet I am a skeptic. Tonight I meant to just randomly list the top 50 questions going through my head. I was going to start with the earthquake and Paul and Silas' obedience in staying in jail even when it seemed so clear God was providing for them. As I read the chapter I realized I had many more questions than just this one. So I now ask what your thoughts are. How does one know what God's will is? Wasn't this clearly an open door? What about baptism? Is it still mandated today? Why are there so few baptism? Why are they relegated to twice a year or less? Are there any conversions? What about the truth speaking demon in the slave girl? What about a whole household being saved? What about infant baptism? What about joy in suffering? What about profitable Christianity and Christianity as an industry?

Tradition or Technology?

A few days ago I was excited about a new application on my iPhone that has 16 english translations of the Bible, and then more in other languages as well. (if you don't have an iPhone you can still use this on your computer.... http://www.youversion.com/)

I'm really excited about this and so I begin thinking: With 16 translations to choose from, do I even need to bring my "real" Bible to church on Sunday mornings? 16 translations! From my favorite ESV to the one that my pastor usually uses on Sunday morning, the NLT. This has the Amplified, KJV, NKJV, NASB, The Message, NIV, NET.... need I go on?

I was taught to bring a Bible to church with me. Always. Before I could even read I brought a Bible to church, so it's just one of those things that I do without thinking much. I suppose for many it's not as important these days to bring a Bible because the Scripture at our church is prominently displayed for us on the screens in the same translation that the Pastor is teaching from. Last week we had a guest speaker who preached from Jeremiah and did not use the screens to put up the Scripture he was preaching from and I heard a sound I don't usually hear: Pages rustling. I looked around and was realized that in almost every row there was at least one person looking up the verses in their Bible. (in my row, there were 3 Bibles being opened) I loved the sound.

I am incredibly partial to "real" books and "real" Bibles. I love the feel of actual paper pages, to me it's more than a book. Plus, I enjoy being able to freely lend my books to others and love seeing all my beloved titles on my bookshelf. I love the idea of a Kindle or E-books because it's a lot easier and less cumbersome to go on vacation with ebooks loaded on a kindle instead of stowing 5 or 6 heavy books in my suitcase! But I simply still prefer "real" books. I know, this could change someday but I'm not sure.... I really love my books.

And yet... (two of my favorite words, dreaded words for others) and yet, I am really tempted to simply bring an iPhone to church and access The Word in digital medium. Why not? But I'm hesitant. First, I already am given a bad time about having my iPhone with me in church. People don't know if I'm playing a game, checking email or facebook or tweeting. The reality is that it's quite possible I could be taking notes on my iPhone or reading my Bible. But why would I even need to "turn to Colossians" in my Bible or iPhone if it's already on the church's screen anyways? Could it be I just bring a Bible out of tradition? So, if that is true, I guess, out of "tradition" I'd want to bring my trusted "real" Bible, the one that's encased in leather. (or fake leather)

I'm really wrestling with all this. (I know it's silly) First, when I have brought out my iPhone, it's a bit annoying. My church usually is pretty dimly lit in the auditorium/sanctuary. Actually, it's probably easier to read the Bible on my iPhone than in book form, but to do so creates a "glow"..... it's a bit distracting for others. Perhaps in a few years (or months) when everyone has a phone that can do everything but open a bottle of beer people won't feel it's so distracting to be reading the Bible on their phone. Until then, I am trying to be considerate. (and yes, I admit, I'd be tempted to check my email.

So, I still haven't addressed the use of twitter during church. Not sure I'm up for that one yet. :-) After all, if most of my friends take issue with me reading the Bible on my iPhone and taking notes on my iPhone, I perhaps don't wish to know what they'd think of twitter!

Restoration

This past Saturday my church teamed with 12 other churches in the area, over 500 volunteers, to descend on an area of the city with a high percentage of foreclosures. The goal was to weed, mow, clean, haul away trash and junk and just improve the area. My church was assigned a 2 block section that was in good condition already so we just worked on making it look even better.

A few days before we were sent an email detailing the plan of the day and some safety guidelines. While reading the email, which cautioned against picking up glass and needles and other hazards and wearing gloves if possible, I started wondering if this truly was an event that I felt good bringing my kids to! But we'd already discussed it as a family and my kids were so excited to go and deep down I wanted to go as a family; I felt it was important.

The Day: We arrived LATE. I don't like being late to anything so I was already in a bad mood now. The parking lot we were supposed to park in was full and the attendant told us to go "take a right"..... well, a right took us out to Capitol again! We finally kept making rights and arrived back at the side entrance to the high school we were supposed to park at. Knowing my kids and not knowing what to expect of the day, I had packed a few sandwiches and snacks as well as five bottles of water. In hindsight, I'd not have taken so much! It's a lot to lug around as well as my 18 pound backpack of camera gear. (ouch) Since I'm a bit compulsive about never being bored I also brought a book with me that I only read for five minutes while waiting for the bus. I'm happy it was only a paperback.

So, we arrive and I'm still having a bad attitude when I learn that the city requires a written consent form for every member of the family. That's five forms! I must've sounded really annoyed because a nice person I hardly know (even though she goes to my church and is the sweetest person ever) offered to help me fill out the forms. At this I realize that my attitude and annoyance has to change. I look over at my husband and he's happily chatting away. He's so easygoing and I love the trait in him. Sometimes. This was not one of those times as he encouraged me to "let it go" and have some fun and enjoy the day. Why am I in such a hurry? But I was because we were now well over 40 minutes late and had to wait for the bus.

By the time the bus arrived and delivered us to our assigned street I felt better. I hated to admit it but my husband was right. (he's usually right) My kids immediately started to work: Katie picked up every tiny piece of trash and cigarette butt on that street. (yes, I did cringe a bit) Conor was enjoying an attempt at raking and the middle child was.... well, being a stereotypical middle child. He at times just can't let things go, so incredibly stubborn. No; I have no idea where he got that from! Actually growing up I was the compliant chid. He's definitely not compliant. So David talked to him; I talked to him. Trying to reason with a crying 6 year old only results in frustration. So, I told him he had to take a walk with me. He did not want to but knew I meant business so off we went, he was still crying away. Passed a few church people that just looked at me quizzically and I just smiled..... 1 out of 3 being upset isn't too bad, right? The other 2 were beyond happy picking up trash, pulling weeds (well, in Katie's mind that equals picking dandelions and playing with them)



So, Reid and I went walking. Within 3 minutes he's calmed down; I suppose it's best to treat him like a 2 year old: Remove from the situation and distract. Hey, it worked and it was great to talk with the other volunteers, take some photos and I even connected with a friend I'd not seen in over 3 years that attends the local church we were partnering with. By the time we got back from our walk Reid was like a different kid: happy, fun, quiet and helpful. I really don't understand him.

So here's the thing I don't get: I loved spending the day with others but really did not do much physical work. Instead I do what I love to do: take pictures and felt like I was cheating the whole time! Granted, I was also tending to my kids but I enjoyed taking photos, even though it was bright sun and I'm not accomplished at bright sun photography. (Okay, I'm not accomplished at ANY type of photography! but I do enjoy it)

At the end of the day we were hot but happy to be out there. I really did nothing but there was such an energy. I can't describe it but say it was a very special, worthwhile day. As we all gathered up our stuff, I noticed a group of neighbor kids bringing out lemonade to the workers. It was really touching and my own kids really enjoyed interacting with the kids. I felt we were well received and know that Project Restoration did a huge amount of work that day and loaded so many dumpsters, and the block looked better, but I wonder if I came away feeling more blessed than the neighbors did? Of course, to this I readily admit to really doing nothing! I took photos. I'm always happy if I'm behind the lens of a camera.




I read and had thought that the post-work celebration wouldn't begin until 2 and it was only 12 so I never anticipated staying for the party but as the bus rolled up to the church, my kids instantly spotted the bright, large bounce house and inflatable slide. Yeah, had to at least play in that for a bit. As we neared the area we discovered that food was ready: Hotdogs, hamburgers, chips and my favorite: ICE COLD DIET COKE! I think I consumed 3 in 20 minutes. (I hope it wasn't one per person!) My kids were excited to discover that they also had cotton candy and sno cones! Everyone was so very nice, I was really touched by how nice the people helping with the food were. I was a bad mommy and allowed my kids to have multiple sno cones and cotton candy. (well, only one kid had a 2nd helping of cotton candy...... to my knowledge) It was a wonderful end to a Beautiful Day.

We left and within minutes my sugar filled children were asleep in the car. Later that day my four year old said she really enjoyed helping people. (she had a lot of fun with a little neighbor boy named Alex; they played ball together, climbed trees and colored in coloring books on the sidewalk) I think it meant more having my whole family there and I'm glad that nothing frightened me away from sharing this experience with them.

Prayer-full

I am fortunate to attend a church that thinks prayer is important. I know, all churches feel that prayer is important; all churches pray several times in its church service, all churches stress the importance of prayer, all churches welcome prayer requests.

Most churches, like mine, make it very easy to communicate prayer requests. There's email, fax, an "iCard" with space on it to request prayer, and you can even phone in a request as well. There's even a prayer team willing to pray with people immediately after church service. My church offers a prayer time on Monday evenings, as well as early Wednesday mornings, that anyone can come join in and pray.

I have never requested a prayer request on an iCard, nor have I sent in a request via phone or fax. I have never gone forward to have someone pray with me after service. Yet I do attend the Wednesday morning prayer time.

I began attending this small prayer group in August.. Initially I was hesitant; I'm not a prayer warrior. I pray, of course, but am not one to "feel" the Holy Spirit, nor do I feel He pays any special attention to my prayers. I hear often of miraculous things that happen to friends that are a direct result of their prayers and I'm amazed by their stories. God has answered my prayers but nothing significant the way others describe. Still, I decided I'd go check it out. Early morning is easy to do, it just takes a bit extra work to set the alarm clock. Oh, yeah. And get up when the alarm goes off!

The first time was difficult and awkward, as I was relatively new to the church and really did not know many people, but I felt welcomed there and I left really enjoying prayer time. I enjoyed how my day just seemed to be more vibrant, I was aware of so much more and aware of others. At the beginning Wednesdays were my "magical" days.

But here's the catch: Though I make an effort to attend "corporate prayer" with a small group of other Christ followers every week, I don't pray out loud. I have perhaps done so 3 times in the past 11 months that I've been attending, but typically I choose to pray silently. We pray for a myriad of things: The church, surrounding churches, surrounding neighborhoods, our country, etc. I feel part of "the group" despite the fact that I don't pray audibly. I am generally not teased that I remain silent. (generally)

Today something happened that shook up my happy world of silence: I guess it can be considered encouragement, but it stung a bit. The assumption that I don't really know how to pray out loud. I can see why my friend thinks this, as the few times I have prayed out loud I really was horrible at it! I stumble, I say all the wrong things, I don't make any sense at all, I stammer and all this lasts about 20 seconds before I struggle to recall the words "InJesus'nameAMEN" Really! It's that bad. So it's no wonder why my friend thought I simply did not know how to pray. He offered up some excellent advice: Picture Jesus in the room with you and just tell Him what's on your heart. He even mentioned how when he taught 3rd graders he'd tell them to "picture santa claus". All excellent advice but ultimately, unhelpful.

See, it's not that I don't know how to pray. I do. I grew up Church. I once could pray elaborate, beautiful prayers. The problem is twofold: There are too many "right ways to pray! I have read countless books, I have started "prayer journals" I have attempted to log and track every prayer request and update with the answers. I have prayed aloud, silently, in small groups, even large groups. I have prayed with my hands raised, I have prayed holding hands, touching someone shoulder, on my knees,etc. I have studied the Lord's prayer as a model, read Kay Arthur's Lord Teach Me To Pray in 28 Days, have been in Bible studies about prayer, etc.

The only thing I know for sure is that God wants His people to pray. God listens to the prayers of His people, and that prayer is powerful. The hows and intricate details to me are unimportant. I think that God can hear my small silent prayers as easily as a person who is praying out loud. I even think he is fine with my small, ungainly attempts at praying out loud.

But that isn't the reason I pray silently. If I were to be quite honest it is because I know I'm not good at it. When I pray silently my prayers seem good but as soon as I open my mouth the words just become so difficult to say. My thoughts form easily but the articulation is difficult. Plus, I'll spend the entire prayer time thinking about "my turn" to pray and what I want to say and how to say it. I realize I'm among friends in an safe environment but I've just given up praying out loud. There's no purpose. My friends I am with pray beautiful prayers, their very voices are full of confidence and love for God. They can be vulnerable as well as wise and trusting. It's uplifting listening to their prayers and I definitely see the value of praying out loud with others; I feel even more blessed as I realize more though my friend's prayers.

I don't know what to do about this: I know it's for God and not others, but that just leads me to think I don't need to pray out loud. I know it's not about "how good" a person is at praying out loud. I know that "practice makes perfect" but I really am horrible at this and really don't see myself ever feeling comfortable praying out loud, and is it really necessary? Does God really care if I pray out loud with others?

The drawbacks are many though: a perception that I don't know how to pray out loud. I guess they'd be right but theoretically I "know" how to pray. It just doesn't come out right. And which is worse? The perception that I don't know how to pray or that I am just really horrible at it and make a judgement as to my intelligence or spiritual walk with God?

I don't know my answers. I guess ideally I'd love to speak insightful, beautiful touching prayers but that won't happen. So the other two options are: 1. To continue to pray badly and not care what others think and the fact that I'm "ruining' a perfectly good prayer time, or 2. Remain in silence and not care if others think I just can't pray or aren't spiritual.

Is any of this even of any importance?

Yet it has made me a bit sad in my day. Prayer is such an important, vital aspect of the Christian faith, to admit it's just something I'm horrible at saddens me. It's like Christianity 101: Even my 4 year old speaks beautiful prayers to Jesus at the dinner table and bedtime. It's real, heartfelt and sometimes even a bit profound.

If you are thinking to yourself, "Oh, she can't be that bad." Trust me. I am. I'd tell you to come join me at prayer on Wednesday mornings to find out but I have no plans on praying out loud again!

Church Hopping

Late last week a friend of mine emails me (it's pointless to try to call me; if you need to get in touch twitter, email or facebook me!) and asks if I'd be interested in signing the kids up at a (fairly) local church. This is the first year I can finally put all 3 kids in VBS so I said YES!

The church is about 16 minutes away, nestled by a school and in a neighborhood, yet still on a busy street. I sometimes make fun of "VBS hoppers" - those who put hop from one church to the next putting their kids in the programs so the mom can take advantage of a little free time. They (I) don't go to these churches, have no interest in switching churches yet feel content putting the kids in the free VBS program. It's great: Kids learn about God, get to play, sing songs, have craft and a bible story and the moms (me!) get a bit of free time. (though I'm spending it right now writing this blog and doing laundry)

Indulge me for a moment: What is the goal of VBS? Is it designed to be an outreach? To the community around the church or those that go to other churches and just need a break for a few hours a day? Do churches put on VBS as a service to their own congregation? Do the churches LIKE having us VBS hoppers? Are they just happy to serve and help the kids grown in the knowledge of Christ? Did they secretly hope that unchurched neighbor kids would attend and are they disappointed when they asked me today, "We don't have your home church listed; do you attend a church?" And I replied yes and proudly stated the name of my church.

Questions aside, I have to say in the past 6 years I've dropped my kids off at many VBS programs. Some really stand apart, as they make VBS fun without sacrificing the reason they are there. Some are a little on the boring side, especially for my 9 year old but he's still hardly complaining because he's with his buddy. My own church has an evening VBS, a rarity. Its 45 dollars and last year I thought that was so much money until I saw the quality of the VBS program; it easily outshone nearly all the free ones my kids had attended!

But I'm on a tangent. My post is about how I am being a church customer. There's been a lot of discussion in my circle lately about what undermines church growth and community. The three things a friend lists are: Materialism, Individualism and Consumerism.

But I wonder how one can stop being a consumer when it comes to church? And I feel that churches perhaps should be aware that people are evaluating their churches and everything from finding a parking spot, to the ease of finding the restroom are as important to a church visitor as the preaching or music. Then there's the whole concept of friendliness and "customer service:"
In fact, it seems that churches are more like a business than anything else!

So yesterday and today I was a church customer. This church had tables set out for the registration. My kids were pre-registered and they were organized and helpful. This step took only minutes as they verified my information, greeted my children and chatted with me about how I had heard about their church. They smiled, made great eye contact and were helpful. I felt safe leaving my kids in their care.

Most of the helpers were all women but there was one man present as well. He said hello to me and later I discovered he was the pastor. For some reason, it impressed me that the pastor would take the time to be a part of a VBS program. I guess my view of pastors are that they are extremely busy and delegate often. It's not a bad thing; I understand that pastors are busy and have to prioritize their time and that is probably why it struck me.

Obviously this is a smaller church because there were less than 45 kids present, and 10 of them were either mine or my friend's children. The first day they played on the playground until it was time to sign up. It seemed to me these kids were well trained! They all, even my kids, silently lined up when asked. The pastor spoke in a hushed tone and everything fell silent. I was amazed at how disciplined and controlled the children were, within mere minutes of lining up. I guess even with 3 kids I am used to chaos at my house!

I know nothing about their church. I am not interested in leaving my church but I have to say I was impressed and happy. I pray their church does great things for their community. I just left with a sense that they knew their purpose and were happy to serve Christ through their VBS ministry. Unfortunately, there have been times at VBS programs where I've just felt like one in an assembly line of people. It was good to feel welcomed, and even better to see my kids embraced fully.

I don't like having a consumer mindset at my church but it's easy to do. I seem to notice all the little details and even though I know church is not about "programs" and activities, I still really like both those things. I do expect much from my church, and sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing?

Well, I guess its time to pick up the kids from VBS. Hope they had a wonderful time. Hmmm... I wonder when the next VBS is offered? I think I like this free time.