Backpack, Backpack!

How can this be? My youngest who won't even turn five until nearly November, is going to be entering kindergarten in just a few short weeks.

How could the summer go by so fast?

How could my daughter already be going to kindergarten? As I write this she's trying on her new backpack I just bought her for school. She needs no school clothes, has way too many clothes already but I did buy her a cute plaid skirt and matching top that just screams "schoolgirl". She's so excited; why am I so sad?

When Conor started Kindergarten there was a lump in my throat. It was difficult to leave him the first day. I did not cry but it was a hard first day. The good thing was I had 2 other young kids to tend to and distract me.

Last year, Reid entered kindergarten and I just happily said goodbye to him. He was so READY and has always been the type of kid who seemed wise and capable beyond his short years. In fact, from the moment he was born he looked like an old man and then I had Katie when he was just 16 months old so he had to grow up a bit more quickly, he never really was the baby. When I dropped him off i was actually annoyed by the weeping, clinging mothers that were doing more harm than good, doting and crying over their children as the kids were led into their classroom. No mommies allowed.

I thought i was so advanced, so mature that i wasn't one of "those" parents.

But today when Katie put on her backpack it hit me: She's going to Kindergarten! She's my baby, my little friend who's been at my side for the past 4 years most days. She's been changing lately: growing tall, confident. She's acutely aware of rules these days and tattles on her brother. She exasperates me so much and yet I'm going to miss her! What am I thinking? I want her to stay with me.

But she's excited. Excited to be "big". Excited to meet new friends and new challenges. I'm excited for her too but I think she's so precious, so special. What if others don't notice she's so special? What if her teacher doesn't appreciate her? What if the other kids don't love her? She's funny and sweet and giving. She's also a tough little girl that speaks her mind and knows how to fight. (2 older brothers has shaped her personality: She needs to be loud to be heard) She's an interesting mix: loves the girly stuff of matching hair bows and shoes, yet plays cars and tag with the boys. She's fun. She's still into her fantasy world of baby dolls and Dora the Explorer and I'm not ready to have her exposed to "the real world." I don't wish to shelter her from life or culture but I want her to be a child as long as possible; to delight in the small things and be enthralled with sunshine and rainbows, frogs and ladybugs. it is so fun seeing the world through the eyes of a small, loving child and a huge part of me wants to preserve that.

But I can't. I have to let go, send her out among the others. Let her take risks and figure things out and have her own opinion and preferences. I want to shield her from every hurt and ache, the kind that can't be made better by a band-aid and a kiss from mommy.