Retreat Revelations Part 1

I had a difficult time getting to the retreat center. I don't like driving alone, especially in the dark and in the rain yet with the help of a solid hour of U2 songs and my map application on my iPhone, I made it there without any big problems. My problems arrived once I entered the retreat center.

It's a simple thing. Finding a place to park. I could not. I'm not one to utter prayers for parking spaces. There were a few by the registration area that were 10 minute spots but they were full. Finally, my 4th drive around the whole place, a few of these interim spots were vacant and I went inside to register. I was still not too happy, and even less happy when they informed me of where I was staying and the parking lot to that area. I had circled around that very spot several times. I knew with certainty there were NO SPOTS in that location. I mentioned that. The attendant feigned empathy but cheerfully told me I could park elsewhere. I trudged out. I KNEW there were so few spots open that were remotely near this area. I wanted to just flee. To run home but it's over an hour away, and I was here. I needed to stay.

I found a spot. Not incredibly near my room but I was grudgingly thankful and made my way straight to the dining hall, lest I miss dinner. Keep in mind I'd never been here and had never been on a retreat with this church. (my church) I enter and look out on a sea of people, but none I recognized. There was no attendant to assist me. I stood for nearly a minute, surveying the groups of diners and finally, feeling foolish just standing there but not knowing what to do, I walked out. The tears began to fall and I so wanted to leave and go home; but knew I could not. I could hear the waves of the ocean and moved down the path in that direction, tears falling, thinking of my inability to be bold and confident. I then heard my name being called. It was my roommate, wondering where I was going. I foolishly felt rescued, and journeyed back with her, grateful it was dark as I wiped away my tears. Turns out that they were situated at tables in a corner so I could not see them when I arrived yet they could see me as I walked down the path away from the dining area. I was happy to be with the group but still couldn't shake this feeling of not being wanted and not fitting in, even though I truly was surrounded by friends.

Dinner was fine. My roomie and I missed the icebreaker portion of the evening since we were hiking a vast distance to my van and back to get my luggage. The room and bed were quite small but i have a deep love for wood and older buildings. I loved the large windows, and just the charm that this place had. I was happy with the accommodations. The only thing I sorely missed was internet access but even that was fine since I had my phone.

Worship began and it was beautifully led. I wanted to take photos. I wasn't asked to, but I wanted to and one made me feel that my photos were distracting. It hurt. So I did what any overly sensitive, people-pleasing person would do: I went and sulked at the back of the room, thankful for darkness, as I once again cried. And then just got defensive. So nothing would reach me; I allowed nothing in. The songs were moving, yet I found them to be too emotional; too touchy feel-y. They were bonding and agreeing and I could not bond and agree. If anything, my posture, attitude, outlook, was all of defiance. I am NOT one of them. I was not part of this group. I was either the photographer and therefore not expected to be "in" or I was just not "womanly" enough to be "in". I realized I did not want to be womanly enough to fit in.

And then it hit me. I get upset because I feel isolated; feel "out" and yet I am the first one to bring about the separation. My declaration of I Am Different and I am Not Like You nor do I wish to be. Then others respond accordingly and I lament the fact that I am not included and don't fit in.

It makes no sense, does it?

So..... you think that by this realization things would be great the rest of the retreat for me, but nope. I am stubborn. I do not learn lessons quickly. I'm at this point still in self pity over the fact I'm not taking pictures, sill enjoying the bitterness so I don't allow the songs to touch me. As I said before, I critically deem them as too emotional, women-oriented. The worship leader prays, a powerful prayer that would touch me if I let it. I don't let it. Then the speaker is introduced in such a way that it again turns me off. It was such a stern: She coms with great credentials but her real credential is she was called by God to speak to us. So you better listen or else" was what I heard. Of course, no command was actually given but it was my interpretation.

So, Julia began to speak. I immediately admitted she was good but she'd shown a video of a little girl, a girly-girl with the words "My daughter...... I love you.... you are the apple of my eye....... blah blah blah" and again, I just shut down. It was too emotional. Too reminiscent of Captivating. I expected the speaker to be the same way.

I was wrong, but it still took me a while to give her my full attention. I knew instantly she was a very good speaker. I knew instantly that had a heart for God. Yet I still struggled not to listen. A friend of mine not at the retreat sent me a message: How's the retreat? How's the speaker?

Too Cute. Too Skinny. Too Perfect.... was my reply. Indeed, she was. I really thought her and I had nothing in common. Knowing where she lived concluded she was quite well off financially. She seemed to have a perfect life. She was engaging, fun and beautiful. So skinny. A leader in her church and community. Well liked. I thought she had no hardships. I would later find out I was wrong; she'd endured many hardships, yet that was never what her message was about.

Long story short, there were so many little things said that echoed my own private questions. I was reading a book that paralleled much of what she was saying, so even though I might somehow be able to discount what she was saying about a God that loves us and is so very close to us, I could not discount this from this book, Counterfeit Gods, written by a favorite author. So I began to take better notice, and reflected back to all the things Julia had said that I tried so hard not to listen to, which enabled me to begin listening more intently to the rest of the night. It was good. Later, in discussion with a group, it came out that Julia (the speaker) and I knew quite a few of the same people. I have friends very involved in BSF ands she taught at the same church I had attended for years in College and after I married. It was fun making those connections and I was sad I had "shunned" her in my mind the whole trip. It turned out that though she was Too Skinny, Too Cute and Too Perfect, she still seemed to enjoy chatting even with people like me.

Cause Or Allow?

I love my kids. They see such wonder and excitement in everything; it's truly thrilling being around them, hearing their conversations and outlook on life. God is such a part of their lives right now, and Katie and Reid have some interesting, thought provoking conversations. (actually they sound like an old married bickering couple!) Oh, they debate back and forth. Katie calls things "God's World." It's really hard at times to figure out if she's referring to Heaven or here on Earth. For her, there really is No Line On The Horizon; no differentiation between Heaven and Earth..... and yet, there is. It's really hard for me to understand her thoughts and questions; they are so fluid. Sometimes they make sense. Sometimes they really don't!

Some examples: Katie asked if the manholes in the street were doors to "God's World". Interesting; I'd never have thought that God lived DOWN..... God lives UP; in the Heavens, right? Hmmmm.... something to think about. Reid and Katie argue about where God lives: In our heart? In Heaven? On Earth? Is he all around us? is he only in Church? Is He in the bathroom with us? Is He around always? Is He invisible? When we're bad does He go away? They go back and forth, arguing. (and yes, it truly is an argument! There is no subtlety!)

Then Conor, my 10 year old gets into the discussion. He's the authority on All Things. (at least in his mind) Classic older brother. He tries to set them straight. They listen to him. Usually.

In the car the other day Katie asked if God made candy. (it's after hallowe'en after all) Reid said no. Stores make candy. They aske me. Well......I say God did not make candy, but he made the ingredients and all the things necessary for us to make candy. But man made the candy that she was eating. To this Conor disagreed; Surely God made candy; God is in control of All. He made the people that made the candy. He made the trees, plants, and all the things that go into candy. He gave the person the idea to make the candy and the creativity to name it and the senses to taste it. God made candy.

Oh my! God is in complete control. I've a little Calvinist on my hands. I like it!

It's truly a matter of perspective I suppose. Conor is right; God makes everything. But then one gets a little older and sees things that aren't so warm and fuzzy. Does God make atomic bombs? Did he make guns? Did God create cancer? And mental illness? He gives us the tools to create and think and form; Is he still in control of what we do with what's been given to us?

What do you think? Does God cause things to happen or does He allow things to happen? I've been studying this in Bible study and yet, it's still a question of mine. I thought I knew the answer and then in Study yesterday got all confused again! I've asked my pastor. He gave me an interesting response to mull over. I'll post it perhaps another day. (with his permission, of course) But for now, I'd love to hear your input.

Retreat!

I don't like retreats. I even think the name is funny. Because when I think retreat I think to run away from. Run away from a retreat! But I suppose others are retreating TO a retreat. Plus, it has the word "treat" in it and I don't consider it a treat..... and it's too close to the word "retweet" which is kinda like forwarding a tweet. (twitter message)

Regardless, I'm going on a women's retreat with my church this weekend. It's last minute; I'm taking someone else's spot who is sick. I'm really thankful for the generosity but also a bit sad that this friend is sick. However, it's still exciting. I'm rooming with someone that I really like and would enjoy getting to know more.

I have good reason to not like retreats. It started at an early age.... when I was just 6 I went to camp. That's the equivalent to an adult retreat. It was a bad experience. Long bus rides, people throwing up, one girl showing UP to camp with the worse case of poison oak I've ever seen. (bumps on top of bumps!) It was a baptist camp, which meant a LOT of Bible verses to memorize.... and a sense of chastisement if one couldn't get it right. Bonus points for memorizing the New Testament books of the BIble. Which I did; but was too scared to go to the front and recite them. I'm still mad at myself for not being bold enough to go up there. Plus, I was 6 which meant I was pretty homesick and the camp smelled funny.

I continued to go on retreats and camps. On every winter snow retreat the van broke down. Oddly, I liked that part. I went to camp for a week and out of mere defiance brought a walkman, hidden in the bottom of a specially devised kleenex box, complete with kleenex coming out of the top. I was rather stupid I guess, because I prominently put it on the shelf next to my bunk. No other jr. higher brings kleenex to camp and yet, there is almost always tears...... so, I'm sure you can guess what happened. My kleenex box felt a bit too heavy and I was discovered. My youth pastor confiscated it, supposedly for 6 months but I never saw it again.

I've only been a part of 2 other adults women's retreats, and the first was really awful. I knew no one. I'm not even sure most knew I was a part of the church! It was very isolating and very difficult. I had such high expectations to get to know others but it never really happened. We were assigned secret pals and I love the idea of secret pals. I had my little small gifts all planned out because that is something I love. I had handmade note cards, I spoke in riddles and poetry, giving hints to who I was that she'd never realize. I lavished upon my secret pal and yet I never got up the boldness to introduce myself or meet her. The whole weekend; I never once said hello. Why? Because she was popular. Everyone seemed to love her. So, I was content leaving little notes, verses of encouragement and candy and other goodies for her enjoyment.

I left in tears. It was not a good retreat for me. In their defense, I looked awful, I couldn't speak. I did not realize it then but I had a medical condition that made my thoughts sluggish, cause me to look pale, hair falling out, and all puffy. It was not easy to have a conversation with me. I guess it was more convenient to ignore me.

But my bad story actually has a happy ending: My secret pal finally got to find out who I was. She sent me a little note saying how much she enjoyed my gifts. How thrilling that was for me! I so wanted to know if she liked them. It opened up a dialogue between us and later I read in the church bulletin of the church I attended then that she led a Bible study. I don't think I'd have just been bold enough to go to a class I had no connection with, but for some reason, knowing it was my kind secret pal that wrote a personal note of thanks to me, I thought: I can do this. I can go to her Bible study. So I did. And again, she showed me much kindness. Through her, I met the other "in" women in the church. Most were really nice. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get to know people. Because my friend accepted me, others also began accepting me. It also helped that at this time it was realized I had a thyroid problem and that was addressed and I began speaking a bit better, my hair returned to normal, I wasn't so puffy. Things were better. I braved another retreat and actually had a really good time.

So.... if I had a good time on the last retreat I went on, why am I still so scared for this retreat?

Last year at my church when I heard about the retreat I laughed. I was so against retreats! No interest at all. Of course, this was over the summer and I really (once again) hardly knew anyone. But this year, I know more people. I'm cautiously optimistic and have been assured that it's their best retreat ever. Great speaker, great facilities, location, food, fun, people. How could one go wrong?

I hope so. but I'm bringing a stack of books just in case.
And my laptop.
And my iPhone.
And my iPod.

Let Your Kingdom Come

Your glorious cause, O God, engages our hearts
May Jesus Christ be known wherever we are
We ask not for ourselves, but for Your renown
The cross has saved us so we pray
Your kingdom come

Let Your kingdom come
Let Your will be done
So that everyone might know Your Name
Let Your song be heard everywhere on earth
Till Your sovereign work on earth is done
Let Your kingdom come

Give us Your strength, O God, and courage to speak
Perform Your wondrous deeds through those who are weak
Lord use us as You want, whatever the test
By grace we’ll preach Your gospel
Till our dying breath

© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI).

No Understanding

I don't get it.

There's grace. We're supposed to have great freedom and liberty in Christ. Yet we are still called to obey, right? I know that there are so many issues that are gray areas..... areas of Christian liberty that we all define differently. I know some that don't celebrate Hallowe'en. I know of friends that only listen to Christian music. I know of some that pride modesty to the point that they refuse to even go to the beach because people wear swimsuits there and he thinks that is immodest. I know there are several other controversial issues that I failed to mention.

I don't want to be legalistic and I don't want to be live in a "christian ghetto" of sanitized, christianized versions of the world. I want to engage in culture yet I wonder how to do that in a right way? I have expectations of how a "Christian" should behave but is that right? Are we all called to live a life above reproach and what does that really mean? It varies for everyone! To some it means we can't "do" anything. To others, we should be "doing" everything that outsiders do. How can there be unity when there are so many views?

That's my post for today.

In the Name of The Father.....

My son was baptized yesterday! Last month he said he learned about baptism and was thinking about it. My husband and I impressed upon him how important that was and what it meant, and in the process I think we scared him or gave him the idea we weren't in approval of it. So, he decided he had questions and until he got the answers he wouldn't be baptized. I tried to ask what were the questions, to address them but he had a hard time articulating them. Finally, this week, he decided that yes; he wanted to be baptized. He knew what it symbolized, he knew what he was doing. He was ready.

As a parent, I must say that it was thrilling watching the kids get baptized. One child could barely make eye contact with the crowd and yet she was the only one that spoke when asked if she had something to say. Her comment? "I just want let everyone know how much I love Jesus!". And it showed. The person who spoke about her said she was already the first to pray in any situation and that she was a quiet, gentle person. It was beautiful.

All the other kids were precious as well. One girl was baptized by her daddy. It was a truly tender moment; I have a picture of their embrace; her wet face smiling happily in her daddy's arms. Truly touching.

My own child's face just radiated joy. He seemed excited and so ready. He did not speak, which may have been a good thing because he can talk FOREVER. His children's pastor said that he was such an "engineer type". I'm not sure what "type" he is, but I do know that I'm glad he was baptized today.

After that they dried off, changed clothes, had the rest of their message and then they cranked the music way loud and threw so much confetti I felt like I was on a TV show or something! Wow! The kids LOVED it; so much fun and celebration. As I was walking today with a friend that saw my photos on Facebook, she commented that it looked like so much fun. Quite a difference from the solemn, sacred affair she'd done in her youth. I agreed with her; my experience was also a far cry from what transpired yesterday. A part of me is excited that it was so memorable and such a celebration, party atmosphere, and part of me wonders why it was separate from the rest of the congregation? I think that the rest of the church would've loved seeing these young kids, fervent in their faith. I think it would have been encouraging and inspiring. We talked about persecution and fruit in "big church" and I think that watching the baptism later in Kid's Church just reinforced the message to me: Fruit grows; it develops. It's exciting to see the kids in church grow in God and develop in His character. And persecution? These kids were ready; they wanted to show the world no matter what the cost that they were following Christ. They knew what they were doing, aware that they were making a decision to proclaim and follow Christ no matter what the cost. When I think of persecution I do think of other countries, but I also know that my times of greatest faith and greatest "persecution" was at school when I was a child. It saddened me a bit that the rest of church was perhaps oblivious to the kids being baptized that same morning. (though I do wonder if they heard the noise and the music afterwards! It was so loud!)

I keep reminding myself that things don't have to be the way I did it to be "right" or "valid". I was baptized in front of the whole congregation. It was a solemn experience, yet joyful at the same time. But serious. I knew what it meant. I think Conor's experience was a bit different: his experience was one of joyful celebration yet I know he knew the seriousness of what he was doing as well.

In the end, I'm happy with how it all played out. I still wish I could have shared it with the whole congregation. This was the first baptism I've seen in the last 15 years. It seems no one gets baptized anymore. (which begs the question: Does the Church welcome "unsaved" people through it's doors or are we all baptized believers already?)

I still have questions. I wonder about baptizing young kids; will Conor look back and think that he did it because his friends did it? Will he look back and think he was a child when he made that commitment and it wasn't as valid as when adults choose baptism? We are invited to have faith like a child but I know that his faith will grow and develop..... is it right to forgo baptism until one thinks they are "grown" enough? That they understand enough? If that's the case people will be getting rebaptized all the time; as God is constantly growing us, revealing things, drawing us closer. I just wonder about these things. I suppose there was a part of me that did think that Conor should wait but now I'm glad he did not. He's knows what it meant; he is serious.

It was truly a special time. I'm not sure I would have watched if it wasn't my child being baptized yet I left there feeling energized and blessed by viewing all the young kids being baptized and their stories of faith. I don't know why but it just seemed so real to me; so exciting. It totally affirmed the message that morning on persecution and evidence in one's Christian faith, and it was just exciting to see such young kids in love with Jesus, knowing that this is just the tip of the iceberg for them!

And for me.

Apologia

I was thinking the other day about apologetics. Do you also think about Christian apologetics? I find it odd that it's called "apologetics" because when I think of that word, the first thing that pops into my mind is to apologize for something; to say I'm sorry. Why would I want to apologize for the Bible and theology?

But a quick look into the word "apologetics" reveals the greek root of the word "apologia" which is "a defense". I still find this odd because when I'm apologizing for something, am I defending myself? Or am I humbly saying I'm sorry without offering a defense?

It's interesting.

I know that not all words retain it's original root but I still find this of interest. I'd love to hear if you have any further insight into this matter, as I in no way claim to be a Biblical or a Greek scholar!